Isomnia

Can't seem to fall asleep. My head is filled with stuff. Heart is heavy and painful. Actually i kinda been a let down to my family for many years. I always feel that way. Daddy says discouraging things to me. I let mum down..So many things that i really hate myself. Tried very hard to make tham proud but in the end what i got is being scolded and i feel im such a let down. Wanted to just kill myself but don't have the courage cus i also know that many people will be sad. well, appearing to be strong outwardly doesnt help much cus the more i conceal it, the more painful i become. Again  and again, trouble approach me. again and again, i had to cry over various matters. this had been the 7th night since i started crying consequtively except i stopped yesterday but carried on today. hadn't been very happy and school is starting soon. The pain of holidays and the pain when school start. when can i really get a heartfelt, sincere smile onto my face? Born with a pretty face, whats the use? Born with a big eye, whats the use? On my face theres sadness, in my eyes theres tears. Done so much things that i shouldn't do. Walked pass so much crossroads making right and wrong choices. but still, im really unhappy. Saw the kites flying while i pass by a road few days back. How freely the fly how beautiful they soar in the sky. even eagles have their own trouble but kites are objects created my men and manipulated by man. Simply, they have no feelings. I feel freedom and peace while looking plainly at the kites flying. Thinking about life. Isn't our life like a kite and its master?? Being controlled or the one controlling. its pretty unfair though but thats the world and society. The ugly truth yet depicted on such a glorious and peaceful scene of just flying a kite.