him

Have you tried so hard just to please a person???it really seem so tired that everytime you have to put down your dignity just to appease the situation. Cried really hard when i reach home today(of cause mum and dad doesn't know it) took the wireless internet out and got scolding by my brother. I really feel very terrible. What did i get in the end?? Actually nothing. well i brought it out cause its for my friend to use. But in the end, i was so upset with my friend for giving me attitude through his body language. I feel really terrible. Well its not all his fault. I was feeling so down at that moment and his body language really pissed me off. In the end, he still denied that he gave me attitude. well, not totally his fault too. cause he may not know what he showed to people from his body language. EVERYONE can just put up a front on the face, acting that you are happy, but the body language won't lie. So all and all, i spend today holding my tears really hard. I know i'm a very emotional person. I cried really easily. Used to be a strong girl. However, the hurts and pain in life weakens me. They just makes me learn how to walk again.. How to stand up when i fall down. How to kneel down humbly even when i made no mistakes.
I feel very painful when i have to admit my wrongs when i didn't do it. But why i do it?Cause i really want to hold on to a cherished realtionship(of cause its not Boy Girl Relationship) and because of that, i really "discard all my pride". Sometimes all i can say to myself is that i'm useless that i am so reliant on the people around me or maybe the right way to say, i refuse to let go of someone i trust deeply cause i trusted no one but him. I don't trust anybody totally cause i have been hurt too many times when i gave my best. Been so many years since i put my trust and reliance on someone and thats my close friend. For everything, i make the intention to be transparent to him. telling him every single things even why i am angry with him and to the fact that i told him i'm jealous about his work. On the other hand, I tried learning as much as i can from him cause the best way to groom and not worsen the jealousy, is put the improvement on yourself. Through this close friend, i learned how to really humble myself, cause i am so afraid that he will leave me, not care about me and not teach me things anymore. I ever kneeled down on the public area begging my ex boyfriend not to leave me. casting away all my pride just to hold on tightly to the only person that i trust.

i always myself, i don't need to rely on people but i know i'm incapable of that emotionally. I earned more than my friends around me but whats the point? They found someone they trust and that someone is willing to stay by their side, for my i have to live under the fear that he will leave me anytime. what can i do? just cried secretly in my room.

well anw, today went to watch a movie titled "nodame cantabile" actualy i am not really interested to watch this movie. but cause i really wanna just watch it with my close friend and didn dare to tell him that i'm not interested i may not recommand the show to my friends well cause i'm not really a hardcore music lover and the show all the way is about music, was freaking cold in the cinema but glad that he is beside me. I'm really happy yet sour inside. happy cause he brought me out after so long, sour cause we quarralled the whole day. Well, i remember he told me this " aren't you interested to watch the show that i like?" this is the reason why i watched "heroes" and "nodame cantabile" i don't enjoy the show, but enjoy his company while watching the show. I'm so fightened after i watched heroes. I started to imagine this and that and its really gory and i hate watching gory movies or ghost ghost movie and i admit, I'M SCARED. As for "nodame cantabile" at first i was not interested but 1 character in particular get me going, thats the main female lead she behave kind of like me but i'm not so extreme. and as for the rest, i'm not really keen. Not say i don't wanna learn music and all, secret ly, i know i have the talent to play the keyboard but due to daddy's financial stuff and all, i gave up the idea that i wanna complete learning the keyboard. I used to learn keyboard at primary 1 and 2. but I don't know why in the end i quited( i forgot the reason)so just by watching the show, i feel a sense of unrest and a little bit of regret. However think the show will come out with other parts, i will still go and watch even its a boring show cause it is something that my close friend likes. I know he likes to smoke. haha..thats his favourite and i accidentally got paranoid this morning when i can't reach him. I thought he smoke till he died while sleeping. thats really stupid la, but its really a worry when u see someone so reliant on Cigarette.